Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
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Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*