Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that