wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.