I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.