Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m literally crying
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Room with a view.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…