Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?