Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
What
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol