I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Ok but actually
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”