[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911