Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
adding to the discourse
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*