Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
#Caturday
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.