My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.