Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.