Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
For cardio I live beyond my means.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes