professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
i did the math
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees