I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.