[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.