Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
No laws when master is gone
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
#Caturday
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”