[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes