Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
$3 #books
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”