Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*