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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite