I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me, reading some of your tweets