If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
One of the best
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.