I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”