When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me sliding into hell like
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.