They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off