That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
(True)
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.