My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.