The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?