I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Happy birthday to all the women
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Unexpected Judgment
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.