I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
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(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real