If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
inside you are two wolves
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me