No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.