I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it