January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Breaking news:
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.