[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah