In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.