Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”