God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer