My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.