My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
What about a To-Don’t List?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Tastes like chicken.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit