In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish