[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.