Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Not all heroes wear capes…
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Education is vital
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay