Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.