me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here