Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now