do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
that wasn’t the question
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I feel it