Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I only treason on days ending in y
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Lmao the reply
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes